Sportsman's Daily


Colts Bolt Indy Under Dark of Night to Avoid Playing Patriots

Team No Stranger to Fleeing Cities Covertly

Tony Dungy

First and Illinois. Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy scours the Internet to try and track his team’s cross-country mass exodus. Peyton Manning and the rest of the team left under darkness of night to avoid playing the terrifying New England Patriots.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The date was March 29, 1984 -and trucks loaded with team equipment silently and secretly left Baltimore, Maryland at 3:00 A.M. for their new home in Indianapolis, Indiana in what was one of the most bizarre exits in sports history. Now, history seems to be repeating itself. Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy arrived at his team’s practice facility yesterday morning to meet with his coaches and discovered all the contents of the locker room were gone.

“Everything,” said a bewildered Dungy. “The helmets, pads, balls, playbooks, you name it, they took it all. I called Peyton to see what was up and he said, that he and the boys were taking a little road trip. Well, that’s one heck of a last second audible.”

In what is perhaps the most anticipated regular season football game this season, the Indianapolis Colts are scheduled to play the New England Patriots in a battle of the unbeatens on Sunday. But the defending Superbowl champion Colts are six point underdogs at home against a team some are calling the best ever in the NFL, led by MVP candidate Tom Brady.

“There’s no doubt about it, I’m the best,” said Brady flanked by two locker room attendants. “My rippling abs, perfect teeth, winning personality and matinee idol looks just add to the legend. Every time I look in the mirror, I fall in love. That’s gotta be intimidating for anybody to handle on like twelve different levels. Heck, I wouldn’t want to play me. Now, fetch me another mirror.”

Reports of two team buses loaded with screaming professional football players, careening off of parked cars and fire hydrants ran rampant throughout the early morning hours. “I saw it,” said Linda Wells of nearby Meridian Hills. “It was crazy. I said to my sister who’s going through a real messy divorce right now, ‘hey, wasn’t that the Colts skipping town?’ And she said, ‘sure looks like it to me. That’s exactly how Cliff looked when he said he was going out for ice cream two and half years ago.’”

Though there’s no confirmation the Colts are avoiding playing the Patriots, one person claims he overheard wide receiver Marvin Harrison. “We’re done,” said the Pro-Bowl pass catcher who was taking turns driving one of the buses with guard Ryan Lilja. “We want to end it now, undefeated. We play Brady and the boys, it’ll be over. And personally I’m not equipped emotionally to handle that kind of loss.”

Authorities are on a massive state-wide search for two buses with a horse shoe insignia emblazoned on them. “We can’t find the buses,” said despondent Colts owner Jim Irsay.

“They’re just off somewhere on their own personal little ‘Easy Rider – Peter Fonda – Dennis Hopper - Cross Country – Own Private Idaho’ kind of trip. It’s a little embarrassing, but this team’s skipped town before as you all know. The press is going to have field day with this one. You'll excuse me now while I sink to the bottom of this tumbler of scotch.”

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick isn't taking anything for granted. "I don't know if this is for real or a massive head-fake, which I wouldn't put past Dungy and Manning, they're cunning SOBs, particularly Peyton who keeps you guessing. But whether they show or not, we'll be in Indy with a game plan -- not being able to locate an opponent for a full 60 minutes can be a challenge. We feel good about our chances, but you never want to get overconfident. Anyone who's ever been stood up on a date knows what I'm talking about -- just showing up doesn't automatically translate to one in the win column."

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