Spectacular Footage of Closing Ceremony Leaked; Featured Nine Year Old “Dancer” Turns Out to be Creation of Pedophiliac Animator
Outtake from leaked footage shows parading soliders just before collapsing in gales of laughter, as the guy in the middle of the third row intentionally cracks off a snort of playful flatulence. Chinese officials were not pleased.
TSD Exclusive! Click HERE to view excerpt of leaked footage.
BEIJING (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Supporting allegations that portions of the opening ceremonies of the XXIX Olympiad were pre-produced and “enhanced” by computer-generated sleight-of-hand, a fifteen minute excerpt from this Sunday's closing ceremonies appeared over YouTube before Chinese authorities demanded that it be taken down (a snippet can be viewed here).
The opening ceremony celebrated milestones in Chinese history, marking its invention of paper, moveable type, ceramics and the compass; it also referenced classic Chinese art forms, from Chinese opera to Tai Chi, and had 56 marching children representing the 56 ethnic groups of modern China.
According to those who viewed the leaked clip, the closing ceremony is every bit as spectacular as the eye-popping opening pageant – and, if it can be believed, even more creepy, not only for its robotic precision but for the sinister clarity of its underlying message, which Yale Sinologist Penn Everitt interpreted as “we own your debt, you buy our goods, we are 1.3 billion strong, we will swallow you like a swarm of angry, highly disciplined locusts.”
“You’ll recall that the opening ceremony featured a digital rendering of peach blossoms, the Chinese symbol for openness,” observed Professor Everitt. “The closing clip featured an unfolding white orchid, the Chinese symbol for seduction and mind-control. The opening ceremony celebrated the Chinese invention of paper, the closing ceremony spent about 5 full minutes on their invention of gunpowder. You thought the lip-synching little girl in the opening ceremony was questionable? Well, what do you think they’re trying to say when a cute-as-a-button nine year old ‘dancer,’ turns out to be an artfully arranged set of pixels created by a well-known pedophiliac animator?”
“Help us out, professor,” timidly asked a reporter, breaking fifteen seconds of confused silence. “What does this mean?”
“I’m not sure,” he responded. “But the Chinese don’t leave these things to chance. In the West, we are given free reign to interpret art as we see fit. The central figure in ‘The Old Man and the Sea’ is Christ? Well, ok. You say he’s Santa Claus? That’s ok too. The Chinese say the old man in the boat is a famous warrior from Qinghai, he’s a famous warrior from Qinghai – no questions asked. The fact that the animator is well-known pedophile Chen “Ben” Wah, is not a random event – what it means precisely I don’t know, but in general terms it means ‘fuck off, you filthy Western imperialist scum…one Chinese pedophile is better than ten of your best animators…even our pedophiles are better than your pedophiles.’”
Randy Baker, a high school social studies teacher, stumbled on the clip while preparing a lesson on the Ming Dynasty for his AP history class. “It was right out a Chinese menu, part sweet, part sour…it was breathtakingly beautiful and chilling at the same time. The precision, the sheer numbers – 20,000 dancers, 15,000 lute players, 8,000 pre-pubescent girls forming two perfectly synchronized chopsticks…and the so-called 9 year old dancer, man, she didn’t look a day over 6.” Baker paused, as if trying to make sense of what he saw. “After a meal in a Chinese restaurant you order a small bowl of pistachio ice cream to cleanse the palate. After watching just fifteen minutes, you wanted to cleanse your palate with a .45, it was just overwhelming. If this is the future, we all better start learning how to order chicken lo mein in Mandarin.”
Western reporters were stunned when Chinese officials announced the apprehension of Wu Dianyuan and Wang Xiuyin, both in their late 70s, on suspicion of leaking the footage. The two elderly women had been protesting due to receiving insufficient compensation when their homes were seized for redevelopment. If found guilty, both face stiff terms in forced “re-education” camps.
“We do not discuss the disposition of cases before a verdict has been secretly rendered,” said government spokeman Li Yo Bang. “But if they are found guilty on both charges, it will be yet another testament to Chinese efficiency. Chairman Mao had a saying – kill two birds with one stone. Four birds with two stone. 100 birds with eight stones. 1,000 with twelve stones. Math makes no sense, but Mao was a genius so no one question.”
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