Sportsman's Daily


Devout U.S. Archery Coach Attributes Team’s Poor Showing to Christ’s “Understandable” Bias Toward Water Sports

man with arrow thru head

Feeling abandoned by Jesus in his time of need, US archer misfires, much to the amusement of an IOC official who strayed in arrow's path.

BEIJING (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) -- Kisik Lee, the head coach of the United States archery team, is a devout Christian who believes a strong faith makes for better archers because it helps quiet their minds. (When asked if, as a for instance, a strong Jewish faith yielded similar benefits, Kisik asked if we’d ever eaten in a noisy Jewish deli.) During the Olympics, Lee and several of the archers on the US team regularly attended the chapel at the Olympic Village. But for all their hymn singing, scripture readings and the seemingly unprovoked, entirely random shouts of hallelujah that rang out across the Village, the US archery team left Beijing without a single medal. Kisik was asked if the poor showing tested his or his team’s faith, either in Christ’s teachings or in Kisik’s Christ-laden coaching methodology.

“First, let us praise the Lord for all the bounties he has bestowed on us. Thank you Jesus, stand behind me Satan.” Kisik paused to leisurely scan the heavens before returning his attention to the earthbound gaggle of reporters. Kisik related an obscure, completely unrelated parable he claimed came from one of the Gospels, before responding. “We put our fates in Christ’s hands. He guided us to Beijing and gave us a chance to compete – that’s all we could ask for. If Jesus preferred to spend the bulk of his time in the water cube and bestow his blessings on our swimmers and on Mr. Phelps in particular, it is not for us to question His wisdom. Praise the Lord, praise be to Jesus.”

Just then a solitary ray of brilliant sunlight pierced Beijing’s charcoal skies. The transcendent moment proved fleeting when a sudden gust of airborne pollutants incited a two-minute choking and vomiting fit.

The archer Brady Ellison, who was baptized in a pool not far from the Olympic Training Center in Chula Vista, Calif., echoed his coach’s sentiments.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t ask Jesus to give me a hand and help guide my arrows toward the target,” said Ellison. “I spent several nights after the competition not understanding how He could let me down after I made the decision to devote my life to Christ. But then I got to thinking, hey, what would Jesus do if Jesus was an Olympic athlete? Other than playing the point and setting up LeBron and Kobe for easy baskets -- I mean, if you’re Coach K you’d want Jesus with the ball making decisions, no? But then I’m like, hey, we’re talking about a guy that walked on water. On water for goodness sakes! So you can’t blame Him for taking a special interest in water sports.”

Self-proclaimed atheist Christopher Hitchens, the writer of the best-selling book, “God is Not Great,” insists that Kisik “stepped well over the line and should be booted on his ass like any other madman with a sandwich board proclaiming the end is near.” Hitchens adds “there’s no place for God – whether it’s Christ, Buddha, or a magical rock revered by a group of 13 lunatics in flowing orange robes -- in the locker room, huddle, or under a pile of bodies in a rugby scrum. And in the highly unlikely event there is a God – ok, I’ll play along – there’s a snowball’s chance in hell he’d take a rooting interest in jackasses like Kisik. If there were any justice – and unfortunately there seldom is – Kisik would wake up tomorrow to find a yarmulke bolted to his scalp, having been formally adopted by a Hasidic family from Crown Heights.”

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