Sportsman's Daily


Chris Evert-Andy Mill Divorce Settlement Finally Done; She Gets House, He Gets Groundstroke and Drop Shot

Chris Evert

Run of the Mill.  Andy Mill has obtained his former wife Chris Evert’s drop shot and groundstroke, and even looks a bit like her circa late 70’s.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though they’re both on to new relationships, the divorce proceedings between Tennis Hall of Famer Chris Evert and Olympic skier Andy Mill that began nearly two years ago have been finalized. The couple called it quits in October of 2006, with Evert paying Mill $7,000,000 that December, but a small, albeit important portion of their settlement got tied up in the courts and was finalized over the weekend.

“Whew, was that ever worth it,” said Mill. “I’m just happy it’s all over. I think it’s more than fair.”

Mill was referring to decision Judge Clarence Wilburn handed down that has some legal experts scratching their heads.  The baffling decision allows Mill to receive Evert’s drop shot and groundstroke. Evert, who received the couple’s house nearly two years ago and is still attempting to sell it now that she’s living with golfer Greg Norman, is coming to grips with the new realization – that tennis, even exhibition tennis, is over for her.

“Yes, I got her drop shot and groundstroke,” beamed Mill. “Granted, they’re not the brilliant arsenal of shots she had circa 1976 against Yvonne Goolagong, but sufficiently formidable on the local courts against any Tom, Dick and/or Harry I’ll encounter.”

“How do I feel?” said an angered Evert to small throng of reporters. “Imagine Eric Clapton not having access to stack of Marshall’s or (porn legend) Ron Jeremy suddenly discovering he has no dick – then I think you’ll have an inkling as to how I feel.”  

Evert’s attorney, Ben Posner, is worried the decision handed down might set a trend.

“It’s very troubling indeed,” a somber Posner said. “The thought of an athlete, who on the surface appears normal, suddenly stripped of their trademark skills is sickening. The legal system cannot allow this to continue, or else it could branch out into all walks of life – a surgeon unfamiliar with a scalpel, a chef void of taste, a president without knowledge of the world around him – wait, that’s already happened.”

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