Sportsman's Daily

 

Charlotte Bobcats Continue Search for Identity; Investigators Have Few Leads

Clousseau

Charlotte-Mecklenburg police enlist aid of fabled French inspector, giving Bobcats organization and fans renewed hop (er, hope).

CHARLOTTE, NC (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) -- Following a 99-85 loss to the Seattle Supersonics, a distraught, desperate but still determined Bobcats team immediately left the arena to join a city-wide manhunt for the team’s missing identity.

Rumored to have been last spotted naked and shivering under the table at a local sports bar just three weeks before the start of the regular season, the team’s identity hasn’t been seen or heard from since.

A sketch has been distributed across the metropolitan area, though Bobcat officials say the depiction of a 6-6 inch African American male with a lazy right eye, glazed expression and two left hands is just a “best guess.”

“This is your classic chicken and egg scenario,” noted a haggard but impeccably groomed Bernie Bickerstaff. “How do you find an identity you’ve never actually seen? But it’s a long season and we’re confident it will be found – hopefully sooner than later…and hopefully more alive than dead.”

Two weeks into the intensive manhunt, Charlotte- Mecklenburg County Police Chief Darrel Stephens realized it was a case requiring expertise beyond the department’s core competencies.

“Frankly, this case is more existential than it is forensic. From the outset, the entire affair had a vaguely French feel to it. Which is why we reached out to our counterparts in Paris who sent us the world’s foremost authority on just such cases.”

“Ze probleme is zat we don’t exactly know what we are looking fer,” noted fabled French Inspector Jean Claude Clouseau – no relation to the character in the riotously funny Pink Panther films, though the resemblance is striking. “We interviewed ze Boobcat players, and I can say with absolute certainty that, with zee possible exception of Emeka Okafor and maybe Brevin Knight, all are, how you say in zees country, persons of interests. In fact, no one in zee entire Boobcats organizations is above suspicion. Just yesterday we dusted Monsieur Adam Morrison’s mustache for fingerprints. One neveer knows. I once found an entire family of Corsican dwarves in a circus freak’s burd (English translation: beard). We weel be watching very very closely.” (Note: three hours after we spoke, Clouseau slipped on a skateboard, crashed through a window and fell from the twentieth floor of an office building in downtown Charlotte. He is said to be recovering, but is suffering from severe memory loss. Officials are uncertain of his ability to continue on the case.)

While Bobcats officials are publicly optimistic, off-the-record conversations point to a decidedly more pessimistic outlook. “Look, we’ve only been in the league since 2003. I expect this search to continue for several years. Right now I’m happy if we find a clue.” After pondering for a moment, the unnamed Bobcats official added, “To tell you the truth, some nights I’m just happy if 10 of our 15 guys find their way to the arena.”

Investigators thought they’d found a lead when they saw a large, bald man in golf attire leaving Michael Jordan’s seldom-used office. It turned out to be Jordan’s friend Charles Barkley who was looking for an errant golf ball.

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