Sportsman's Daily

 

Outspoken Chad Johnson Now Pushing for Midwest Peace Talks

Controversial Pass Catcher Wants Our Troops Out Now

Turkish Soldiers

Turkish Delight. Chad Johnson claims this Turkish company of soldiers is also massing near the Iowa border, joining American and British troops.

CINCINNATI, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Cincinnati Bengals controversial Wide Receiver Chad Johnson is running his mouth again. Johnson, who has angered several Bengals teammates and coaches with his not so ambiguous public statements about wanting to leave the team, has now earned the ire of the White House. However, like the rest of the country, senior Bush Administration officials are confused. Johnson, who has a wide range of interests from music to politics, has a long history of highly publicized outspoken views and is now calling on the U.S. Government to begin serious Midwest peace talks. “They can start by pulling all of our troops out of Iowa immediately,” said Johnson.

It was explained to Johnson that there are no hostilities going on in the Midwest save occasional dust ups between fervent sports fans. “The Midwest region is populated by generally friendly, helpful, honest folk primarily of Scandinavian, German, and Polish heritage,” said Chicago businessman Stanley Krzchuwski. “Some of us have some pretty odd accents which as you may know have been ridiculed prominently in such movies as Fargo, and anything starring John Cusack. The only military presence we have here is when some of the younger fellas down at the Navy Pier have their drinking games on weekends. I don’t know who this Chad Johnson guy is, but he sounds like one heck of a knucklehead.”

Johnson insists he’s not confusing the Midwest with the Mideast. “I’ve got a globe at my crib,” said Johnson. “And I did just fine in Geography and Political Science class when I was a kid. So don’t try to convince me we haven’t secretly been massing troops on the Iowa border. And it’s not just us either. Great Britain and Turkey are there too. Call me crazy, but I don’t want to see another drop of blood spilled for corn.”

“He’s clearly gone off his noodle,” said Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis. “I respect a person’s right to take a political stance on war, even if it doesn’t jibe with mine. But, at least get your damn countries straight. I liken Chad’s whole Midwest nonsense to being attacked by a group of radical fundamentalists, then turning around and invading some other country that had nothing to do with it in the first place. Can you imagine that?”

 

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