Celtics to Give Up Winning for Lent
Thousands of Boston Area Irish Catholics Outraged
Bless me Father for I have lost. As Boston area Catholics began the Lenten season on Wednesday, very few knew of their basketball team’s pact with the church
BOSTON, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Boston Celtics have announced they will temporarily suspend their winning ways in honor of the Lenten season which began on Ash Wednesday. The decision, made after several high level discussions with the Archdiocese of Boston®, was clearly unpopular among most Celtics fans.
“How do I feel?” said lifelong fan Mickey Callahan, 58, of Lynn, Massachusetts. “Really fuckin’ pissed. That’s how I feel. I’ve been a Catholic all my life, except for that brief spell when I was tinkerin’ with Scientology, and let me tell ya, the good lord don’t expect nobody to give up winning for Lent. You give up things you love – like beer, whiskey, Bailey’s Irish Cream, beer, and beer.”
But Jack Muldoon of nearby Chelsea supports the move. “We’re in the playoffs already, so who cares? So, we gotta lose twenty games in a row. The regular season don’t mean a damn thing anyway,” the 49 year old fisherman said. “The last thing anyone around here wants to do is piss off God. Economy’s bad enough. Lent’s important to the big guy so we’d better suck it up and do what the church wants. We don’t need him sending down famine or locusts or some shit.”
Celtics star Kevin Garnett is taking it stride. “Hey everybody – it’s all good. Everyone knows we’ll kick ass in the playoffs,” he said. “So we’ll just dog it for a month or so. I’m sure (newly acquired Stephon) Marbury can teach us a thing or two about doggin’ it. Whatever bro, I’m still getting paid.”
Boston area fans who are not Catholic consider the Celtics’ decision in direct opposition to what sports and competition stand for. Most demand more information and some are seeking counseling.
“By giving up something near and dear to one’s heart, like winning, demonstrates the sort of supreme sacrifice the Catholic Church expects,” said Theology Professor Derek Cameron May of Boston University. “Those Celtics fans that are not Catholic will in time begin to accept this and most likely convert, mainly out of guilt. Of course they could choose the other extreme, which would be to become Knicks fans – which I’m told is a lot like what hell is supposed to be.”
The question remains, how will the Celtics at least appear to be competing and show sportsmanship knowing full well that they have to lose every game over the next month and half?
“It will be a challenge because we’re damn good. Damn good.” said Celtics Coach Doc Rivers. “Of course there will be some days when the job will be taken care of for us. We’ll just lose to the better team. But looking at the schedule, I see we have Oklahoma City coming up on the March 29th. That’s gonna be tough to fake. Maybe the D-League will rent us some players for that day.”
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