Wrong Santana: Garbled Cell Phone Connection Leads to Yankees Inadvertently Signing Carlos Santana
Legendary Guitarist Will Report with Pitchers and Catchers in February
Don't "fret" Yankee fans. Carlos Santana might be a true Bronx Bomber after all.
NASHVILLE, TN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The baseball winter meetings are barely under way, and already somebody’s got some explaining to do. Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman might be good for starters. Apparently the Yankees dealmaker mistook direct orders from the Steinbrenner camp in what he described as a garbled cell phone connection.
“I know we’re in the hunt for Johan Santana but I swear to God it sounded like the voice on the other end said ‘I want Carlos Santana,’” explained Cashman. “Carlos was clearly successful as a musician in the late sixties and early seventies. His 1999 comeback was nothing short of miraculous – considering the general public’s growing apathy toward pentatonic scale driven blistering guitar solos set against an Afro-Cuban hyper-rhythmic juggernaut. So in a weird way I just reasoned that maybe he has something left in the tank that might appeal – that might help out our organization.”
Carlos Santana who will turn 61 in the middle of the 2008 season, claimed he last played baseball in a pickup game in 1971 while touring in tandem with Hot Tuna. “I struck out their bass player with a slider,” the Mexican born guitar wizard boasted. “But he might have been tripping on some microdots at the time. I haven’t played much baseball since then, save throwing out the first pitch at a Padres exhibition game three years ago. No, lately I stay in shape with pilates.”
New York media members sat slack jawed during a hastily assembled workout as Santana’s fastball was clocked in the upper twenties. “What can I say? He’s under contract,” added Cashman. “We need to use him somewhere, somehow.”
“I like it,” said veteran New York Daily News sports columnist Mike Lupica. “It’s the most creative move Cashman’s made. Imagine starting a guy like him against the Red Sox in September and getting everybody’s timing off – Manny and Big Papi trying to size up some Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Famer’s cheese. Then you bring in the real flamethrowers. They won’t know what hit ’em. After seeing Carlos’ junk, a fifty-eight mile per hour curve will look like it was shot out of a Howitzer.”
Former Yankees manager and current Dodgers skipper Joe Torre sees it a bit differently. “If I’m forced to use Carlos Santana, I’d use him as a distraction,” Torre said. “Perhaps set up a couple of Mesa Boogie amps near the water cooler in the dugout and have Carlos whip out his PRS Signature Series axe attached to a Dunlop 535Q wah wah pedal as Magglio Ordonez steps up to the dish. Just as Mags is about to swing, have Carlos launch into the echo-chambered trance-like solo off of “Flor de Canela” from the Borboletta album. That’ll really get in his head. He’ll be looking fast ball all the way, and you drop Uncle Charlie in there and its lights out.”
Santana’s agent, Scott Boras said the guitar virtuoso's one year deal is incentive laden. “The base salary isn’t much,” Boras admitted. “But if he plays a nice pre-game cliché free, nylon string acoustic guitar solo over the demanding chord changes of “Freedom Jazz Dance” and makes it past the first inning of his opening day start without a hernia or taking a screaming liner off the temple, the big bucks start rolling in.”
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