Sportsman's Daily

 

Olympics Update: Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma Late Entry into Beijing Games; Represents Vatican City

Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Beijing.

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Though he didn’t get to march in the Parade of Nations, Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Summer Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games.

“Guilt’s important,” proclaimed Cardinal Di Palma. “Without guilt, we’re capable of doing many heinous things including murder, stealing and pleasuring ourselves while watching female gymnasts – as well as a few select male ones. That’s the main reason I’m here – to remind those sick degenerates to get their mind out of the gutter and watch sports that aren’t brimming with sexual temptation. You try and live a celibate lifestyle and have swimmers pop up on TV with their tight, sublime buttocks and rippling abs. It’s a continuous reminder that we are all nothing but prisoners of our own glands.”

Di Palma has been working out constantly to prepare himself for his event which includes lightning-fast finger pointing, instantaneous issue-appropriate biblical passage reciting, and the ability to absolve sins from eighty yards away.

“Sal’s in some serious shape,” said fellow clergyman, Cardinal Angelo Cristaldi. “Don’t let the bulging waistline and the onset of cardiovascular disease fool you – this guy can dole out a Hail Mary with the best of ‘em. I’m just thrilled for him. My only regret is that we didn’t get to see him march in the Parade of Nations. I mean, sure, the ornate costumes worn by the representatives from Cameroon and Mongolia were spectacular, but Sal would have held his own. Have you ever seen his rotating crucifix? It’s a show stopper.”

“I’m hoping to be back in 2012 for Bocce Ball,” said the 73 year old Di Palma. “I used to play it with my brother right after the war. In fact, I was teetering on the brink between the clergy and becoming a professional player. Of course that all ended when they began testing for roids.”

» Read More What's Left Articles

AUTHORS

The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot

CHARLES EPSTEIN

TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot

TOM ALEXANDER

TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

ANGELO VECCHIO

DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

KATIE RINKI

Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio