Canseco’s Ex Admits Attraction to A-Rod: “I Have a Thing for Five Tools Guys”
"So A-Rod, if you're reading this book, and if I'm not getting through to you, let's get clear on one thing: I hate your fucking guts." (From "Vindicated," Jose Canseco’s new expose)
Beauty and the Beast: Jessica and Jose Canseco strike vintage pose. As any gal will attest, five tools are better than one -- especially if that one tool is Jose Canseco.
CLEARWATER, FL (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) So ends a chapter in José Canseco’s new book, “Vindicated,” which continues the fine literary tradition begun with “Juiced,” the explosive tell-all that named names and tore the lid off steroids use in major league baseball. "Vindicated" adds several new names to the list, none more prominent than Alex Rodriguez, the subject of Canseco’s undiminished contempt – which has little to do with steroids and everything to do with A-Rod allegedly hitting on Canseco’s then-wife Jessica (pictured on the left).
According to Canseco, Rodriguez inquired about steroids in the late 1990s during their off-season workouts at Canseco’s home in Miami. Canseco claims that he introduced Rodriguez to a steroids supplier, and insists that Rodriguez had bulked up when they crossed paths several weeks later. Canseco then charges A-Rod with hitting on his then-wife Jessica Canseco, a former teenage Hooters girl before marrying the hulking slugger. Canseco claims A-Rod became infatuated with the comely Ms. Canseco and wasn’t at all subtle about making a play.
“He’d come over the house in the morning for workouts and with Jessica watching, he’d take off his shirt and oil up. Then he’d ask Jessica to help him get a spot he couldn’t reach. He wouldn’t even try to hide his massive erection. Jessica pretended not to notice, but A-Rod didn’t miss a trick – he’d hit it a couple times with a resin bag then pretend to limber up his hips, like thrusting an erection in your wife’s face is part of his workout routine.”
Canseco also claimed that A-Rod would call his wife “at all hours.”
“And trust me, they weren’t swapping recipes for arroz con pollo. What a snake. He knew I was juicing…and everyone knows when you juice your testicles shrink and your penis becomes unreliable in the clutch. Around this time me and Jessica were having problems in the sack – I won’t lie. In fact, at one point I think she mentioned something about a three-some, but my confidence was at a low point…and while I hate Alex’s guts, you gotta admit the guy’s got skills. The last thing I needed was A-Rod taking her deep while I’m trying to shove my limp dick up his ass. Talk about humiliating.”
While A-Rod has refused to address the claims made in Canseco’s book, Jessica Canseco, herself an author of a baseball tell-all ("Juicy: Confessions of a Former Baseball Wife," published in 2005), has weighed in on her former husband’s allegations.
“It’s true, Alex made his intentions known and I wasn’t exactly putting up a lot of resistance. I know how much Jose hated it when I’d give Alex sponge-baths in the whirlpool after their workouts…or when Jose would come home and see Alex in his monogrammed satin robe, smoking his Cohibas with a fresh puddle of semen on the black throw-rug. Jose would pretend not to notice, but you could tell he wasn’t happy – but hey, Jose was mired in a year long slump and Alex was Alex…a five tools guy just coming into his own. Even at Jose’s peak he was a three tools guy at best. Two extra tools may not seem like much, but ask any girl and she’ll tell you: there’s nothing like a guy that can hit for average AND power.”
While Rodriguez had made it clear he will not respond to Canseco’s allegations, Cynthia Rodriguez, A-Rod’s feisty wife, caused a stir at a Yankees exhibition game wearing a “Fuck Jessica Canseco” tee-shirt. “Not a bad thought,” said Max Stein, a vacationing New Yorker, “Jessica Canseco is hot.” Whereupon Mr. Stein asked directions to the nearest Hooters for an early dinner of ribs and a side of cleavage.
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