Eric Byrnes Bolts D-Backs Camp to Join Circus
“I’ve had this overwhelming desire to be shot out of a cannon,” says the zany outfielder.
Circus catch!: D-Backs' wacky outfielder Eric Byrnes will be taking his all-out madcap lunacy to the big top. He has yet to name which circus he's joining.
TUCSON, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Eric Byrnes, the highly charged, no-holds-barred outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks with the California surfer persona, stunned teammates and fans on Sunday by suddenly leaving the team srping training facily in Tuscon to join the circus.
“He left a note,” said D-Backs’ manager Bob Melvin. “It said something to the effect that he wants to find himself. Apparently shoveling elephant shit will allow him to do that.”
The news sent shockwaves throughout the clubhouse moments after the note was found by clubhouse man, Arnie Kopko. “Eric’s known for his crazy on and off the field antics,” said D-Back’s third baseman Chad Tracy. “But to give up a multi-million dollar gig playing before thousands of adoring fans on a nightly basis, to do some friggin’ circus act with Giggles the Clown is not only crazy but a career killer.”
“Maybe Chad Tracy should just focus on handling hard hit balls down the line instead of analyzing my brand of time tested shtick,” said Giggles the Clown, who, without breaking stride, squirted lion tamer Clyde Beckerson directly in the eyes with a smarting stream of seltzer. “Circus people are tight knit family, and Eric Byrnes is going to understand that soon enough,” added the veteran clown and recovering methadone addict, whose real name is Carl McNulty. “We’re with each other day and night for years and years. We don’t hop from circus to circus looking for a better deal. Granted, some of us have twelve toes, only speak a mutant strain of Hungarian, and are married to our first cousins, but I’ll bet you didn’t know we have one hell of a pension plan.”
Byrnes requested the note be made public, the contents of which were released by the team.
To my family, teammates, managers, coaches, and fans:
You guys are really cool. But there comes a time in a dude’s life when you just have to split and find your own way. Up to now, my way’s been crashing into walls and collecting on my totally righteous 4.5 million dollar contract from last year. But lately I’ve had this overwhelming desire to be shot out of a cannon. And the way I see it, joining the circus is the best way to accomplish that. Besides, nobody joins the circus anymore. If you watch every old movie or TV show from the 1950’s or 60’s about a kid who, let’s say, was abused by his stepfather, he always runs away to join the circus. When was the last time you heard someone say that?
Please don’t try and come after me. I have totally thought this through and this is what I want. I’ve talked with the bald weightlifting guy with the handlebar mustache, the bearded lady, and a couple of smoking hot, double-jointed trapeze artists, and they all say it’s a good idea. I want you all to know, I still love you. I’ll write when I can. Brandon, you can have all my gloves bro.
Peace out, Eric.
The “Brandon” Byrnes refers to is thought to be Diamondback’s pitcher Brandon Webb.
The Diamondbacks are now forced to find a replacement for Byrnes, a competent outfielder as well as a solid hitter who was projected to bat cleanup for the D-Backs in 2008.
“This isn’t going to be easy,” said Diamondbacks General Manager Josh Byrnes (no relation to the Eric). “When word got out the Eric decided to join the circus, other players around the league immediately began taking stock of their own lives. We’re worried that baseball worldwide might have its own pandemic of guys looking in the mirror and saying, ‘screw it, I’d rather own an Orange Julius franchise.’ That’s a problem. I’ve already contacted the Mets about Moises Alou, but he’s living in a monastery now.”
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