Sportsman's Daily

 

Bush Lifted After One Pitch

Prez’ High and Tight Heater Infuriates Nats’ Skipper Acta

Bush pitching

Bush League. “W” uncorks one just a bit inside, which is enough for Nationals’ manager Manny Acta. Instead Odalis Perez was called upon in an emergency start.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Sunday evening’s official opening of the brand new Nationals Ballpark had many firsts. The first hit came off the bat of Nationals shortstop Christian Guzman, and Atlanta Braves slugger Chipper Jones tagged the ballpark’s inaugural homerun. But most of the over 39,000 in attendance had their eyes focused on something else.

President George W. Bush walked to the mound amid a mixed chorus of cheers and boos to toss out the first pitch. The result was high and tight, which exasperated Nationals manager Manny Acta who had been hoping to give the president at least three or four innings in what is expected to be another long season in the nation’s capital.

“We just came off an exhausting spring training and we had our share of injuries before breaking camp,” said Acta. “Getting a few innings from W would have given this team a lift. The only lift out there was when I lifted him after the ceremonial toss. What a disaster.”

Nationals catch Paul Lo Duca agreed. “I understand the President wanted to establish the zone early and let hitters know the inside of the plate was his and that he’s not afraid to throw at people’s heads, but that pitch was the baseball equivalent of dropping a fifty megaton bomb in the heart of downtown Pyongyang. Oops, I’m sorry if I let out any secrets. I heard Mr. Bush and his advisors chatting near the dugout.”

The President was quickly ushered from the field and was given a stern tongue lashing by the normally reticent Acta. “I told him I was less than thrilled,” Acta added. “Then I had the unenviable task of telling Odalis Perez he’d have to make an emergency start. Fortunately for us, Zim (Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman) jacked a walk off in the ninth which made everyone forget about the Bush debacle and that Odalis wouldn’t be the fifth starter on my sister’s softball team.”

With some unexpected time on his hands, Bush spent an uncomfortable two innings in the broadcast booth with ESPN announcers Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. “The long, awkward silence was overshadowed only by the bewildered gaze that seemed to cross the President’s face whenever we asked him a question,” said Miller.

“Absolutely,” agreed Morgan. “I wanted to bend over and tie my freakin’ loafers it was so unnerving. Those beady eyes cross and he gets that pursed lip thing going like he just ate a whole lemon. We all know he’s trying to form a sentence, but just can’t get the job done. Then he told me he was happy my people are finally playing baseball. Uh, hello? Jackie Robinson? 1947? Anybody?”

» Read More Baseball Articles

AUTHORS

The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot

CHARLES EPSTEIN

TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot

TOM ALEXANDER

TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

ANGELO VECCHIO

DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

KATIE RINKI

Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio