Sportsman's Daily


Phillies’ Pat Burrell Makes Routine Plays Look Difficult to Impress Ball Girl


Mrs. Brown, you’ve got a lovely daughter. The recently married Pat Burrell can’t resist flashing some leather to impress the effervescent Jocelyn Brown.

PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Philadelphia Phillies left fielder Pat Burrell may not be a Gold Glove winner, but he is among the major league leaders in outfield assists again this year. He also has only two errors on the season which he attributes directly to Phillies leftfield ball girl Jocelyn Brown.

“What can I say? She inspires me with that come-hither stare,” said Burrell. “And quite frankly, it just makes me fall to pieces. She’ll hit me with a smartly placed lick of the lips as she’s bending over to retrieve an errant foul ball and I’m motivated to crash into the wall for her risking life and limb.”

“I’m not too worried,” said Burrell’s wife Michelle shrugging off any notion of serious shenanigans. “He might crash into the wall for Jocelyn, but he makes runs to the convenience store at two in the morning for me unless he’s out of town playing the Giants.”

Phillies veteran maintenance man Mike Vogel has seen it all before.

“Oh man,” said Vogel. “I can remember when Greg Luzinski used to salivate over Mary Sue Styles back in the day. And Mary Sue could really get your hormones in an uproar. She had great bone structure. One look from her and you were opening yourself up to taking a Manny Mota line drive off the temple.”

Teammates have noticed Burrell’s defensive improvement this season, but they’ve also taken note of his fly ball embellishments. “Pat is clearly waiting an extra second or two before camping under a routine fly ball to make it look like he’s busting ass out there,” said All-Star second baseman and good friend Chase Utley. “And we all get a good laugh out of it because we know he’s trying to impress Jocelyn.”

Burrell has seethed this season over being replaced defensively late in games by Phillies manager Charlie Manuel.

“Truth be told,” said Manuel. “It’s not really a defensive replacement. It’s just that Jayson Werth and So Taguchi keep buzzing in my ear about wanting to impress Jocelyn too.”

Baseball historian Thaddeus Stinson claims outfielders have been dealing with distractions from females since the game began. “I’m particularly struck with the story of Ed Daily,” said Stinson. “As a member of the 1890 Louisville Colonels, Daily was smitten with a young usherette named Mildred Underwood who had a penchant for dangling her orthopedic shoes. With the game in the bag, he tried to impress her by attempting to make a catch with his teeth. He never played another game.”

In an unrelated story, Marlins outfielder Jeremy Hermeda has recently hotdogged a few plays to impress 74 year old ball man, Irv Rosen. “What?” said Hermeda. “He reminds me of my grandfather.”

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