Sportsman's Daily


Boston Bruins Issue Formal Apology to Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics for Not Being Championshippy

Beantown faithful shout at NHL franchise: “Out Damn Spot!”


Into the Abyss. A record over .500 just isn’t good enough in Boston anymore. Fans expect championships from ALL their teams. This unidentified Bruins player contemplates a career change.

BOSTON, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — With the 11-0 Patriots taking aim at a perfect season and their fourth Superbowl championship in seven years, the Red Sox waving their second World Series banner in four years, and the new look Celtics conjuring up images of the Cousy-Russell-Auerbach dynasty, the Boston Bruins appear to be the red-headed stepchild in an otherwise big happy New England family. “Every city has a skeleton in its closet – and when we open up ours, the Bruins fall out.” said New England Patriots owner Robert Craft.

“The twenty-first century has been kind to Boston from a sports perspective,” said Clive Kane, a professor of sports psychology at Boston University. “So when one team bites the big one, they’re really under the microscope. I was sitting here in my office watching another Celtics rout when I heard from (Bruins) General Manager, Peter Chiarelli, which in itself was kind of a buzzkill. I told him what had to be done. I suggested the Bruins issue a formal apology to all the other teams who have actually lived up to - or are currently living up to the high standards of the Boston sports fan.”

On Saturday, Chiarelli, as well as Head Coach Claude Julien and players David Kerjci and Tuukka Rask appeared hats in hand at the steps of Boston’s historic Old North Church – the collective forlorn expression on their faces, sprinkled with a liberal dose of beet red embarrassment. Despite sporting a respectable record of over .500, the Bruins felt compelled to go through with the apology, saying essentially – “not good enough.” Representing Boston’s winning franchises included Kevin Youkilis of the Red Sox, Kevin Garnett of the Celtics and Wes Welker of the Patriots, all of whom could barely contain their laughter as Chiarelli, Julien, Kerjci, and Rask fell to their knees and begged for forgiveness while being forced to eat month old Fenway Franks.

The Blood Stained Tricycle

The ceremony ended with the age-old, humiliating custom of each Bruins representative taking their turn riding the dreaded Blood Stained Tricycle. The Blood Stained Tricycle which has been passed down from sports goat to sports goat for over forty years is a vintage 1962 AMF tricycle which was originally owned by Bobby O’Brien. That year, the six year old O’Brien was soundly beaten up by his friends after dropping a two out, ninth inning fly ball in centerfield allowing the opposing team to win in come-from- behind fashion. Bleeding from the nose and mouth, with tears streaming down his face, the portly O’Brien peddled home furiously only to receive yet another thrashing from his older brother Mike who witnessed the miscue from his bedroom window.

The trike was obtained in 1965 at a garage sale by Chelsea, Massachusetts repo man, Sal Visgilio. Visgilio, left the blood stains intact as a reminder of the gruesome consequences one must face for failure in Boston. He began awarding it to area players or teams who either choked or didn’t live up to the expectations of the fans. Bill Buckner is the only person to have been given his own replica of the tricycle.

“Man, our we ever sorry!” said a gaunt looking Chiarelli, who was still suffering the effects of Ptomaine poisoning from the Fenway Franks. “Riding that tricycle amid hundreds of laughing fans and battling a severe case of the trots from those hotdogs really made me realize I’ve got to look into the talent coming out of Scandinavia.”

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