Bonds in Pinstripes: Manager of Ossining Orioles Makes Pitch for Indicted Slugger
Bonds previews his chiselled prison look. Disgraced slugger faces prospect of playing out career behind bars.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) At 43, Barry Bonds can still go yard. And if he’s found guilty on all five counts of perjury and obstruction of justice, the yard is where he’ll be spending the majority of his time over possibly the next 30 years.
While jail time will effectively end his major league career, it could be the beginning of a productive stint in the fiercely competitive MSBL (Maximum Security Baseball League) -- a league where knock-down pitches and bench-clearing brawls can have fatal consequences.
“I know the chances are slim since he’ll probably be sent up to Lampoc or some joint in Northern Cali, but alls I’m sayin’ is cut the cat some slack and let him play out his remaining years on the East Coast, where he don’t have all the negative influences,” said Al “Big Dog” Attles, Federal Inmate #01901931 and long time manager of the Ossining Orioles, a perennial powerhouse in the MSBL's Eastern Conference. “Plus, the dude’s 65 hits shy of the 3,000 hit club – we bat him in the four hole with “Bad Ass” Jackson in the five spot (Jackson was the league's 2007 RBI leader), you gotsta pitch to the brother.”
Sources at the US Attorneys Office insist that, while he will get interest from several correctional institutions on the East Coast, Bonds will almost certainly finish out his career on the West Coast.
“His two most likely destinations are Atwater or Victorville, both located in California, and both with established, highly respected organizations,” said US Attorney Calvin R. Reeves. “The Atwater team’s number one need is starting pitching, but Bonds would add punch to the lineup, no doubt. Victorville needs to shore up its bullpen and has to find a shortstop to replace Vinny “The Runt” Randazzo, who was lost late in the season after getting gang-raped and strangled in the shower. But I’m sure they’ll want to give Bonds a look.”
While Bonds played the past season under intense scrutiny, it’s nothing like the scrutiny he’ll receive as soon as the walks into his new “home” -- a living space smaller than the size of his locker -- and finds himself sharing a bunk with a white supremacist or a 350 pound Latino gang banger who prefers soccer to baseball.
“I think Barry will be fine, once he learns to make do without his 37” inch plasma, barcalounger and personal masseuse,” said former teammate Jeff Kent. “I’ve had my differences with Barry in the past, but I sincerely wish him the best and hope he gets to finish up his career behind bars. I’m sure his pleasant, upbeat personality will make him an instant hit with his new cellmates.”
Ric “Word” Testaverde (Federal Inmate 18230-1113), sideline reporter with The Sportsman’s Daily, thinks Bonds might have a harder time transitioning to the new league than people think. “Yeah, the dude’s been able to bring it with the Feds breathing down his back, but it’s one thing playing with a bulls-eye on your back before 50,000 crazy fans, and another standing in against a guy doing double life for triple murder who throws 95+. Plus, the umps all got rap sheets a mile long – argue a strike call and before you know it you’re pulling a blade out your ribs. And playing on the road can be a bitch…try stylin' after you go yard, some dude up in one of them guard towers is gonna want to put some buckshot in your butt.”
Super-agent Scott Boras, who once represented Bonds, thinks his former client will beat the charges and get to play a final season with a major league ballclub. “Clubs have a very narrow window in which to make a decision (Bonds is scheduled to appear before the Federal Magistrate on Dec. 6.). If I’m an organization that needs a big bat in the middle of the lineup, who better than Barry Bonds? Once he’s cleared, as I’m confident he will be, he’ll have something to prove and will put up monster numbers – trust me.” Boras paused. “But if he’s found guilty, I’m sure there are several federal institutions that would love to have him locked up for a five to ten year deal, with an option for good behavior. And hey, when the time comes, who wouldn’t want to go into the Hall in pinstripes? Just ask Alex.”
The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily