Sportsman's Daily


Bonds’ Balls Drop (and Shrink) to Ring in 2008

Slugger Warned of Painful Steroid Side Effect

new years ball

3-2-1 Happy New Year! Not even Times Square can match Barry Bonds for ringing in 2008.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Drinking in the adulation from hometown fans as he circled the bases to history may have been wonderful in the heat of the moment, but Barry Bonds learned today it’s come at a heavy price. The former San Francisco Giants slugger, who has yet to land on a team for the upcoming 2008 season, is battling one of the worst side effects excessive steroid use can bring. His testicles have dropped below his thighs and have shrunk to the size of peas.

“That’s about the size of it,” the all-time homerun king said. “I expect my voice to change any day as well. I’ll probably be able to get some work on the Chipmunks sequel."

“This will send shock waves throughout baseball to every guy mentioned on the Mitchell Report,” said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. “Of course there are varying degrees of steroid use. For example, you look at guys from a few years back like Mark McGwire and Lenny Dykstra and you can see how they’ll be in for some rough times. But then when you look at someone like Nook Logan, it leaves you scratching your head. The guy’s hit two home runs in four years. I mean it doesn’t even look like he takes fuckin’ vitamin C, so I doubt he’ll have to worry about his onions declining into a ‘tumble and wilt.’”

Bonds has visited San Francisco clothes designer Taylor Winthrop to see if the renowned fashionista can configure a pair of pants that will accommodate his newfound bungee cord-like ball sac and shriveled testes. Winthrop said “I want to give Mr. Bonds the proper support he needs to keep him comfortable as possible and still scream out that magical fashion mantra ‘Love me. For I’m a highly paid, steroid abusing megalomaniac.’”

“Aw shit,” said Yankees first baseman-DH Jason Giambi who was also named in the Mitchell Report. “I pumped so many cc’s of this crap into my ass, I’m waiting for my boys to pull the old ‘free fall and wither’ any day now.”

es, who wouldn’t want to go into the Hall in pinstripes? Just ask Alex.”

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