Sportsman's Daily


Bobby Knight Sends Scores Flying in One Final Ass- Kicking Rampage

Bobby Knight

Bobby Knight demonstrates legendary "teaching" style that has shaped the character of countless young men...many who have honored Knight's teachings by berating, harrassing and humiliating their colleagues and subordinates, who themselves will one day carry the tradition forward when they are in positions to do so.

Lubbock, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Bobby Knight, the winningest coach in major college basketball history, unexpectedly resigned from Texas Tech on Monday. But prior to tendering his resignation, the famously volatile coach stormed across campus like a man possessed, booting anything and everything that crossed his path. In his angry wake countless students, faculty members and college staff gleefully writhed, as most were only too happy to be on the receiving end of the legendary coach’s last childish outburst.

“It was awesome!” said Chad Smythe, a 19 year old junior. “People were like just throwing themselves in his path, literally offering up their behinds for Coach Knight to kick. I mean, to get your ass kicked by Coach Knight, it’s like walking to class and suddenly being close-lined by Lawrence Taylor. Or getting caught by a Tyson uppercut. Yeah, it will hurt and you might lose consciousness for a couple of minutes if you have a low pain threshold…but it’s something to tell your grandkids, you know?”

Knight’s willing “victims” ranged from full professors to school officials.

“How can you resist the once-in-a-lifetime chance to get your ass kicked by Coach Knight…it’s like having the chance to spend time in the lab with Enrico Fermi or playing violin with Einstein, it’s something you jump at,” said physics professor Richard Tesla. “I’ll admit it stunned and my left buttock welted up immediately – in fact I haven’t been able to sit at my desk since and I’m already way behind on my paper on the emission and propagation of electromagnetic waves in partially ionized gases -- but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

However, not everyone was as happy to offer up their hind quarters for the privilege of absorbing the full impact of Coach Knight’s right foot.

“When I saw Coach heading in my direction with that crazy look in his eye – which I’ve seen a million times -- I said screw this, he’s flung his last chair at my head,” said senior Ted Soren, a lanky 6-7” forward who rarely left the bench during the four years he played for Knight. “In four years I’ve taken just about everything the man could throw – water bottles, chairs, clip boards…he’s kicked me, strangled me, punched me in the throat and on at least three occasions kneed me repeatedly in the groin. When I saw that crazy old bastard headed in my direction, I couldn’t wait to lay into him good.”

Knight suffered only minor contusions to the head, neck and chest, as several students rushed to his aid moments before Soren could inflict more serious injury.

“We’re saddened that Coach Knight has decided to step down as coach, as he’s left a distinguished legacy as both a basketball coach and as an educator,” said Texas Tech President Jon Whitmore. “In fact, when Bob Knight came into my office, I insisted on being the recipient of a ceremonial ass-kicking, surely the last time he will inflict himself on anyone in any formal capacity, which we thought would send a fitting final message: Bobby Knight was an equal opportunity sadist whose wrath was as undiscriminating as it was irrational…one moment he’s abusing and psychologically scarring a fresh-faced recruit from the boonies, the next he’s playfully kicking the derriere of a college president. Bobby Knight is a true American treasure. He will be missed.”

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