Sportsman's Daily


Blazers’ Oden Reveals He’s Part China Doll; There’s Porcelain in His Veins

Retired Stars Walton and Bowie Attempt to Offer Support

Greg Oden

Breakable. Blazers center Greg Oden comes clean. “Yep, I’m porcelain.”

PORTLAND, OR (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Portland Trail Blazers’ oft-injured center Greg Oden revealed a family secret he had been hiding since childhood – namely that he is descended from an actual China Doll. In a heartfelt news conference held yesterday, he revealed that he is in fact 1/4 China Doll, on his mother’s side.  China Dolls, figurines made of porcelain, are extremely fragile and have in rare circumstances been known to mate with actual humans as in Oden’s case. It is also reported that former centers Sam Bowie and Bill Walton also have traces of China Doll heritage.

Oden’s admission caught his coaches and teammates off-guard but they rallied to show support for their injured friend.  Teammate Brandon Roy stated, “I don’t care if his folks were Star Wars® fucking action figures, Greg is my ‘boo’ and I love him.”  

Coach Nate McMillan said, “Greg will remain part of the Trail Blazer family. When his knee heals he’s taking the whole team antiquing in northern Oregon! Personally, I think that’s just damn sweet.”

Currently out with a bone chip in his knee, the 7-foot center also sat out all of last season after microfracture surgery on his right knee. He missed six games at the start of this season with a foot injury.

When asked if he felt his heritage was a factor in his numerous injuries since being drafted number one overall in 2007, Oden replied, “Absolutely not; my Granny may have looked fragile, but Grampy said she could really take a licking without cracking – most days.”  

Oden went on to defend his ancestry by mentioning that he has a cousin who is also descended from his China Doll grandmother who went on to great athletic success; he said, “My cousin Sam Bowie has the same ceramic blood in his veins and he ruled the hardwood at Kentucky.”   

In fact, Bowie and Oden met at a Portland area Starbucks® to discuss coping with the delicate condition. Unfortunately, moments after arriving, Bowie scalded his knee with a hot latte, and Oden tripped on a half-eaten scone cracking six brittle vertebrae.  Amid the mass confusion and comedy of medical errors, Bill Walton waltzed in to say hello and offer his support to Oden, but immediately dislocated his shoulder shaking Oden's hand.

Starbucks® daytime manager, McLain Webb immediately called 911, and offered everyone in the store a free Venti® Mint Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème with Chocolate Whipped Cream, which Oden promptly choked on while being taken to the ambulance.

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