Sportsman's Daily


Belichick Causes Controversy By Likening Makeshift Offense to “Putting Lipstick on Pigskin”

Several Jets insist Belichick was making pointed reference to Brett Favre


Belichick gives new meaning to "fantasy football." Jets coach Eric Mangini says he's heard of stick-em and even chapstick, but he's never heard of anyone applying lipstick to a football.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Patriots coach Bill Belichick made what at first blush appeared to be a brutally honest assessment of his offense, as the Pats enter week two without the services of injured quarterback Tom Brady. Little did he know it would spark a major controversy as his team prepares to play their division rival NY Jets this Sunday in the Meadowlands.

“Not that I’m offering any excuses or trying to lower expectations, but let’s face it – game planning around an untested quarterback we know very little about is tough. It’s like putting lipstick on a pigskin – it may look pretty, particularly if you’re on the receiving end of a tight spiral with fire-engine red lips, but at the end of the day, it’s still a brown oblong object with white stitching.”

Belichick was unaware of the controversy caused when Senator Barack Obama used the expression “putting lipstick on a pig” to describe the McCain campaign’s call for change.

“Coach Belichick tends to sequester himself during the week; not a lot of information from the outside world gets through, particularly this week as we’re preparing for the Jets – he doesn’t want to just beat Mangini, he wants to crush him, grind him into a fine powder and snort it,” said a Patriots official. “Bill’s just wired a little differently. Who else but Bill could summon the image of a football with lipstick? It used to be that my idea of a nightmare was finding myself in a hot tub with four gay linemen and a bottle of champagne. Now, it’s finding myself in the middle of a Bill Belichick sex fantasy…you don’t want to be alone with Bill when the ball squirts loose, if you take my meaning.”

Several Jets interpreted Belichick’s comments as a not so veiled reference to quarterback Brett Favre.

“Not to go all Freudian, but it’s a classic case of quarterback envy, plain and simple,” said receiver Laveranues Coles. “He’s in a dark room for several days running, watching endless hours of film, seeing how Brett handles himself in a new offense. In Belichick’s defense, he wouldn’t be the first to have a man-crush on Brett – he has that effect. But to introduce an element of homoeroticism into this contest, particularly considering the unresolved sexual tension in his relationship with Coach Mangini, is just despicable. We will not let it become a distraction.

When the interview ended, Coles gathered his personal effects and lingered by his locker for several minutes, cradling a game ball he referred to as Lucille and gently rocking it to sleep.

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