Sportsman's Daily


Bastard Son of Charles Manson Named Bench Coach of Mets A League Team

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Screwball. Jimmy Manson’s avant-garde baseball theories might have a ripple effect throughout the entire Mets system.

ST. LUCIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jimmy Manson, the 47 year old bastard son of killer Charles Manson was named Bench Coach of the New York Mets Single-A affiliate, St. Lucie Mets.

The younger Manson, who bears a striking resemblance to his infamous father, says he doesn’t remember much about his dad and was raised by his aunt and uncle. His mother, known simply as “Buzzie,” disappeared without a trace in June of 1969, though it is believed her voice can be heard singing backup on a series of folk-rock recordings by the Manson Family done at Spahn Ranch in the spring of 1968.  

“I saw him play guitar once,” he said. “Of course that was a year before he decided to flip out and go on an acid fueled murder spree.”

Jimmy Manson was a promising baseball player before a series of injuries curtailed his career. He has lived an exemplary life outside the shadow of his father. However, he does possess some of the same cryptic and often indecipherable language traits the elder Manson has made famous over the years. This was most evident when he took to the podium to address a group of sports writers.

“I don’t want to talk about any specific player,” Manson said responding to a question by Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News. “The individual can’t exist on a celestial plane without the way – the way that the team says is the right way. Without the team, the way is dead, the player is dead, and I’m already dead. You can’t kill me. You catch me? We can’t be killed, because we’re already dead.”

The bewildered throng of reporters, realizing Manson wasn’t going to give them anything worth printing, began to disperse, but not before Manson continued with his gibberish-laden diatribe.  

“You think (former Met, now deceased) Tommy Agee is really dead? Of course he isn’t dead. He’s in here,” Manson said pointing to his heart, then his stomach, followed by a series of rapid eye movements and malevolent smirks. “So are Ed Kranepool and Mookie Wilson. We’re all in here. What are the hit and run and the suicide squeeze? Stretch a double into a triple. They’re all lies that the man – the corporate evil comes at us with. But we’ll show ’em. Binglee bobbuh boo blap blap – witchy woman. You catch me?”

St. Lucie Manager Tim Teufel believes Manson will be very useful on the bench.

“Despite his enigmatic musings and quirky body ticks,” Teufel said. “Jimmy’s got some very progressive and innovative concepts about hitting. I’m particularly interested in his theory of where the batter strides to the plate without a bat in his hands, and simply hums an atonal drone while staring straight into the pitcher’s eyes. That could give us an edge.”

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