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The Audacity of Hoops: Barack Obama surprises Hoosiers with startling lack of skills.
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KOKOMO, Ind. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —When Barack Obama bowled a feeble 38 during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania, he was widely mocked, as it’s a score one would expect to see at a bowling party attended by nine year olds. But the absurdly low score wasn’t fatal, as anecdotal (and unconfirmed) reports of Obama’s hoops prowess mitigated the damage -- particularly since bowling is not widely considered a sport (or, depending on your view, “activity”) to which African-Americans are culturally attuned.
So when Obama’s campaign bus stopped at a neighborhood playground and he stepped onto the court for what seemed to be an unrehearsed game of five-on-five with nine (Caucasian) locals, most expected to see a basic level of competence – capable ball-handling, good court vision, the ability to hit an open eighteen-footer, solid D, and at a minimum a general feel for the game.
In just three minutes of action, Obama missed an open lay-up, dribbled the ball off his foot and out-of-bounds, had the ball stolen twice, launched an ill-advised twelve footer from the right baseline that was violently rejected and was repeatedly beaten to the basket by a plodding 5’-8” out-of-work, trash-talking office manager. After the three minute stretch of shocking incompetence, the on-again off-again chain-smoker was doubled over, sweat drenching his white shirt and darkening his elegantly knotted blue tie.
“You have to give the guy his due,” said Todd Fischer, the 5’8” out-of-work office manager. “He’s campaigning morning, noon and night and must be bone tired. Plus, he didn’t have time to change, so he’s playing in his slacks and shoes – which makes it hard to defend and beat your man off the dribble. But I won’t lie, I expected more game. I’m not saying that I won’t vote for him‘cause he can’t ball…I simply can’t vote for a guy that bowled a 38. Do you think a guy that bowled a 38 will get the respect of someone like Putin? I don’t think so.”
Word of Obama’s on-court mishaps caught primary voters by surprise, and have given undecided voters pause, as Hoosiers are passionate about their basketball.
“It’s just plain stupid to base your vote on a game of basketball,” said Indiana Pacers President and Indiana icon Larry Bird. “You need more than one game to make an evaluation. Do you think I’d want someone judging my career based on an off-night in Milwaukee during the ’87-88 season? There’s two weeks between now and the primary, plenty of opportunity for Obama to showcase his game...you never know, it could turn out he’s unstoppable going left and has an uncanny knack for finding the open man in traffic. Which is an improvement over our current President, who would do us all a favor by spending more time playing in traffic.”
Immediately swooping in to exploit Obama’s poor showing, the Clinton campaign scheduled a pick-up game at a local high school, with teams made up of unemployed auto workers and machinists, single mothers and out-of-work farmhands. Wearing a “Team Hillary” tank top, green headband, and knee braces, Hillary was about to step onto the court for the tip-off when the crowd began racing to the exits. Word had spread that former President Bill Clinton was on the adjacent playground challenging three high school students to a game of HORSE.
“He was cool,” said Tim Applewhite, one of the three high school seniors who played HORSE with the President. “Though I never heard of anyone calling mulligans in HORSE. But he’s the President, so even if he doesn’t call bank, you’ve got no choice – you’ve got to go glass.”
The McCain campaign weighed in by conveying Senator McCain’s long-time support for the Phoenix Suns. Steve Nash acknowledged that the Senator is indeed “a big fan,” though he admits they tend to play less up-tempo during the 10 or 15 minutes McCain is there “to avoid getting him too excited.”
Craig Robinson, Brown University’s basketball coach and brother of Michelle Obama, insists his brother-in-law has more game than he’s shown. But the bigger issue, says Robinson, comes down to this:
“Voters will have to then decide: it’s 3 AM, the score is tied and there are ten ticks left on the clock. Question number one: who do you want inbounding the ball? Question number two: who do you want taking the final shot? And last, but not least: what kind of sick fuck plays basketball at that hour?” |
