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Cowboy up. Is Slim Pickens riding this nuke all the way to Boston? Doubtful. Beantown doesn’t need it as the Sawks now have their own nifty little stockpile.
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BOSTON, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Boston Red Sox released veteran pitcher Dan Kolb on Sunday to make room for reliever Devern Hansack. The team also confirmed it has been testing low grade nuclear weapons in the Chelsea, Massachusetts area since January and formerly announced today that they indeed have built a sizable stockpile of nuclear warheads – the second such team to confirm their nuclear capabilities along with the New York Yankees.
“Two World Series rings in four years isn’t enough,” said Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. “If we’re really going to compete with the Yankees head to head, we need to be completely prepared. That means tactical nukes – which, I might add, they’ve had since 1999.”
“Well the truth is I think it sucks,” said Kolb, the former Milwaukee Brewers closer. “Not just being released, but coming in contact with weapons grade plutonium deposits. I don’t know about you, but I have a bad back, and an exponentially growing nuclear chain reaction is like the worst thing for it.”
The Yankees and Red Sox are the only two major league franchises known to have nuclear weapons. However, it is believed that the Los Angeles Dodgers and the New York Mets also have the capacity to deliver small nuclear weapons with the ability to obliterate an umpiring crew, six hot dog vendors, and anyone wearing a retro jersey.
Aerial reconnaissance photos have also tracked suspicious activity around Citizen’s Bank Ballpark in Philadelphia. “I’m not so sure about the Philly thing,” said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. “The pictures I’ve seen either show the casing for a bomb or an enormous cheesesteak.”
The business of baseball in the 21st century has changed dramatically. Though it’s not completely clear as to why baseball teams feel they need nuclear weapons, it’s quite obvious that the major market teams now hold the cards – probably forever.
“I guess the Moneyball era is over,” said Minnesota Twins GM Bill Smith. “Looks like the small market teams will forever quake in the shadow of the superpowers. Jesus, is that a bummer or what? One wrong trade. One brush back pitch too many and you’re liable to wind up with a mushroom cloud in your on deck circle. Then what are you left with? Nuclear winter – which, come to think of it, might be a nice change of pace for most Minnesotans.
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