Sportsman's Daily

 

Alien from Cygnus Star System to Break Species Barrier in Baseball

X-^g^*xC To Dress for SF Giants in Spring Training Game

alien with Jackie Robinson

A recently de-classified photo of Jackie Robinson posing with X-^g^*xC, whose fastball was then clocked at 153 miles per hour. After years of strength training and learning proper mechanics, X-^g^*xC can now crank a two-seamer at an otherworldy 212 mph.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — The year was 1947. The great Jackie Robinson tore down the archaic racial divide that prevented African-Americans from playing Major League Baseball. But that very same year, unbeknownst to Robinson and most Americans, and more than halfway across the country, an alien spaceship crashed in Roswell, New Mexico igniting a controversy which has been hotly debated to this day; namely the existence of intelligent life outside our solar system. But now believers in the massive Roswell Cover-up have been rewarded. X-^g^*xC, the alien who was recovered from the crash is alive and well and plans on showing off his rather dazzling baseball skills as a member of the San Francisco Giants during spring training.

X-^g^*xC is four gronjars old, or approximately 234 years old by Earth standards. However, in the life expectancy of Cygni-Zorfenons, who normally live to be around 1,450 earth years old, he is on par with a teenager. “X-^g^*xC is just kid,” said new Giants manager Bruce Bochy. “But he really knows how to pitch and throws the ball about three Zordaps a Fliz, which, if I understand my Cygnian Zol Mu correctly equals about 212 miles per hour. I can’t wait to see Albert Pujols try and catch up with some of that shit.”

X-^g^*xC is excited about playing and breaking baseball’s “don’t ask-don’t tell” long-standing species barrier. Commissioner Bud Selig had considered allowing humanoids from the Andromeda Galaxy to participate in an barnstorming tour of Japan in 2004, but ultimately decided against it. That same year he contemplated allowing a dolphin and a NASCAR fan from Muncie, Indiana to bring out lineup cards.

X-^g^*xC has been living on a restricted underground base near the famed Area 51 and his existence was a highly guarded secret. But with the work of NASA, the space programs of China and India, the Cygni-Zorfenon High Council and former major leaguer Sal Bando, the cat is out of the bag. Or, more accurately, the little grey guy with the freaky black eyes is out of the cryogenic chamber. Through a highly complex decoding mechanism, X-^g^*xC has been able to communicate with his new teammates and the press. “I was way off course when I crashed here,” gurgled the alien visitor. “I was on my way to Trelisian X4 when I took a wrong turn at Jygraliscon. Then, lo and behold I’m in the New Mexico desert. I was all set to obliterate humankind for all time when I heard a Dodgers game on the radio, and I thought to myself, ‘you know, any species who could come up with a game like this isn’t worth wiping out. At least for the next two or three flisterdims.’ Now look at me, I’m set to make a cool twelve million this year if I break training with the team and hit all my incentives. What a country.”

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CHARLES EPSTEIN

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