Sportsman's Daily


Al-Qaeda Starts Baseball League; Promises All Players 72 Virgins in Afterlife

Final Scores to Be Given “When Time is Right” on Audio Cassette

cassette tape

Be Kind. Please Rewind. Currently, the only way Al-Qaeda Baseball League fans can catch up on their favorite team’s doings is when this overly recycled audio cassette arrives at their doorsteps.

ABUL, AFGHANISTAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Osama bin Laden says his fascination with baseball started about three years ago. The terrorist leader says his constant monitoring of CNN has allowed him to catch occasional baseball scores over the years. He recently discovered ESPN and is apparently a devotee of Baseball Tonight. “That Prince Fielder really smacks the ball with authority, may he die of festering boils on his face, God willing,” bin Laden said. “But I’ll waive the festering boils-curse part if he’ll join our new league.” It may come as a surprise to most, that the Al-Qaeda leader is a huge sports fan, but away from the sheer enjoyment of watching competition, he says watching sports on TV helps him in his struggle with the infidels. “(New England Patriot’s Head Coach) Bill Belichick’s surveillance techniques are deliciously insidious,” bin Laden chimed. “I’m always learning from my enemies.”

Al-Qaeda operatives are working on a sports complex that would house five fields and allow the new ten-team league to begin play as early as 2011. “There’s a lot of construction ahead – you know, working under darkness of night, dodging enemy fire, that sort of crap,” said Al-Qaeda Baseball League spokesman Ahmad El-Saad. “But we just got a wonderful donation from some folks in Oman, so we might finish ahead of schedule.”

El-Saad says he’s been negotiating with baseball super agent Scott Boras who has perhaps the impressive list of clientele in all of sports. “The money trickles in, generally on a truck at about three in the morning, so dollars can be a problem,” El-Saad said. “And, quite frankly, we can’t guarantee too much in endorsements. So we’re prepared to toss in seventy-two virgins in the afterlife for each player just to sweeten the pot a bit. Let’s see your New York Yankees offer that.” Mitch Kornfeld, a Yankees representative, addressed El-Saad’s comment in a prepared statement. “At this time, we are not in a position to offer the seventy-two virgins, but Sylvia and Doreen down in marketing both give terrific head. So consider that added value. Go Yankees!”

If both sides could work the “Seventy-two Virgins Clause” into the contract, Boras would stand to benefit greatly as he would receive seven point two virgins for every player he represents. “It’s nice to have that teed up for you in the afterlife, no doubt,” said Boras. “But there’s a lot to work out. Today’s ball player doesn’t want deferred gratification. So, I’m going to push for fifty virgins in the ‘here and now’ and twenty-two in the ‘afterlife’ as opposed to, let’s say, a better pension plan. Also, we need some added incentives like higher quality virgins and what Osama calls ‘seventh-level enlightenment’ should one of my clients win a gold glove or MVP.”

One player Al-Qaeda is targeting is young Boston Red Sox player Brandon Moss, who they consider to be a budding superstar. “It’s nice to be liked, and the virgins thing is kind of cool,” Moss said. “But being in Boston makes it easier to get home during the off season, and I like to actually get paid to play. You want me? Make a real offer.”

Boras indicated there are many other factors to consider. “Admittedly, the whole thing sounds intriguing,” Boras said. “But I’m a bit worried about the league’s ability to sustain. As-Sahab, Al-Qaeda’s communications network concerns me as well. They promise the baseball scores will be given ‘when the time is right’. That’s a tad spotty. Call me crazy, but it could have an effect at the gate.”

As-Sahab’s current “communications by courier” style has worn thin on Afghanistan’s entertainment-hungry population. In most cases, tiny scraps of news or entertainment are delivered overnight on 1970’s style audio or video cassettes. “I understand the fans want their western style twenty-four hour 5.1 surround-sound, plasma wide-screen media juggernaut, but As-Sahab is in a bit of cash crunch right now,” El-Saad admitted. “Osama prefers to funnel monies into Somali suicide attacks and blowing up Saudi oil refineries, so we’re all watching the bottom line a bit. But we’re talking with XM and Sirius to see if we could get in on the proposed merger – may their satellites crash to earth in heavily populated areas – God willing.”

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