Sportsman's Daily


Madonna Confirms A-Rod’s Balls Reduced to the Size of Raisinets

Pete Rose

Material Girl Says Size Matters. Madonna says A-Rod’s testes match up to the famous theatre candy.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The story that broke over the weekend stating Alex Rodriguez used steroids during the 2003 season has gotten more complicated. Now Madonna, A-Rod’s mystery girl, issued a statement yesterday saying the Yankee slugger’s testicles have been ravaged by the performance enhancing drugs and have been reduced to the size of the popular theatre candy, Nestle® Raisinets.
“I’ve spent my formative years with plenty of Raisinets in my mouth,” said Madonna. “And more recently Alex’s testes, and yep, they’re the same size. A woman knows these things.”
Back up catcher, Sal Fasano, who was a teammate of Rodriguez’ for a brief time during the 2006 season, confirms A-Rod was very conscientious about exposing his testicles in public due to their decreasing size.
“A lot of the guys had no qualms about walking around the locker room with nothing on just flapping in the breeze,” said Fasano. “But, to his credit Alex always stepped out of the shower wearing a monogrammed bathrobe. Certainly not out of the ordinary, except it was monogrammed with Jeter’s initials.”
Rodriguez is expected to address the media this week regarding the steroids allegations. Several sports business experts are curious as to how this will affect the embattled three-time MVP’s multiple endorsement deals.
“We’re dealing with a multi-layered issue here,” said sports business writer Scott Gerstein. “Most importantly we’ve now created a new cultural reference – ‘balls the size of Raisinets’ – which may very well stand shoulder to shoulder in the American vernacular with such classics as ‘my bad,’ ‘you go girl’ and ‘a dick the size of a Tootsie Roll.’ I should point out that last one is a reference to another former Scott Boras client who shall go nameless.”
Why has candy all of sudden become the standard by which athlete’s genitals are measured? Perhaps Madonna put it best.
“Sometimes at the end of a long day,” the pop diva said. “You just want something sweet and hard in your mouth. Or, it could be short and chewy. We all have our favorites, don’t we? And I have many favorites. Many, many favorites.”

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