Sportsman's Daily


Spring Training Update: A-Rod’s Interminable Crotch Adjustment Now in Third Consecutive Day


arod and ozzie

The Rod Squad.” White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen gives Alex Rodriguez some pointers on crotch adjusting in this undated photo. “Ozzie’s a real pro at this.” said A-Rod.

TAMPA, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees third baseman and American League MVP Alex Rodriguez has long had a very methodical approach to hitting – a style which has had him on the fast track to Cooperstown since day one. Every batter has a routine while taking the walk from the on deck circle to the batter’s box, and A-Rod is no different. However, he has recently added a new dimension to his overall hitting preparation; the crotch adjustment. Rodriguez added the adjustment on Saturday and was still trying to come to bat when this article was written.

“I’ve been in baseball a lot of years and seen a lot of guys fiddle with their junk,” said new Yankee skipper Joe Girardi. “But Alex can’t find the zone, which has been holding up the game which started Saturday afternoon.”

The “zone” Girardi refers to is the happy place a professional baseball player finds where his genitalia are properly aligned in his cup and jockstrap resulting in optimum comfort, which often comes in handy while dealing with ninety-seven mile per hour cheese. “It took me a while to get my three piece suit nestled in when I added it to my series of batter’s quirks,” said teammate Derek Jeter. “The last thing you want is Larry, Moe, and Curly flopping around on their own down there.”

“Alex is a great player, maybe the best ever before it’s all said and done,” added Girardi. “But every player, even the greatest players, must learn where everything goes and how to avoid those nasty wanker stingers, sac pinchers, nut poppers, dragon slayers, and pube pullers. Sometimes the adjustment process never seems to want to take. You grab and tuck and thrust and pull, and never seem to get the old howitzer and grenades to mind their business. That’s why a lot of guys have dropped the crotch adjustment from their routine.”

The adjustment, which has forced the Yankees to make changes to their Grapefruit League schedule, might be the longest since long retired Chicago White Sox slugger Dick Allen adjusted his crotch beginning on April 17, 1974 and completing the process on May 2, 1974. “The Allen adjustment nearly changed the game,” said former teammate Bill Melton. “Once Dick committed to it, everyone just had to sit there and wait until he folded his sausage and olives into the comfy spot.”

Rodriguez promises he’ll have the crotch adjustment technique down by opening day. “Here’s the deal,” said A-Rod. “When you make what I make, you’d better be damn sure you can nuzzle your pistol and bullets away inside four seconds, or you’ll wind up on the Instructional League Express.”

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