TSD Announces the Winners of the 12th Annual Heistmans
The Heistman has become the single least coveted – though most eagerly anticipated – award in sports.
The Heistman is given to a select group who over the past year robbed us of our joy, robbed our kids of their innocence, and reached out to filch the MILF next door (we're not sure that even makes sense as a metaphor, but one of our investors dared to use filch in a sexually suggestive way; we like to think our investors are better than that).
2008 proved to be yet another banner year for athletes, coaches, agents, owners, boosters, parents and fans (yes, you) behaving dickishly. The selection process was difficult and bitter, rife with recriminations and hurt feelings (nothing a raucous holiday party replete with booze and every inducement to lewd behavior couldn't cure – for which we'd like to thank ABC Spirits, Carlos from the sixth floor, the Klein sisters, friends of the Klein sisters, Bert's Adult Toys and Stallone's Cleaning Services for their discretion. Thank you one and all). From these hard-fought deliberations comes the Heistman class of 2008…the five personalities most responsible for making the term "self-respecting sports fan" an oxymoron (I know, it's so unfair – they're the ones behaving badly yet you're the one on the hook)…so, without further ado…this year's Heistmans:
1. Tim Donaghy. Richly deserving of this year's Heistman, the former NBA referee will do time for betting on basketball games over two seasons, including ones in which he officiated. Adding insult, Donaghy is reportedly penning an OJ-inspired manuscript titled "If I Did It…" which allegedly details Donaghy's early relationship with Vito "Two Thumbs" Gambone and the low-level mobster's band of affable, if psychopathic, gambling cronies. The latter part of the manuscript describes details of the games that might have been fixed, as they would have occurred had Donaghy in fact fixed them.
2. A Special Joint Heistman goes to Plaxico Burress and Super Agent Drew Rosenhaus. Rosenhaus has been a borderline Heistman candidate for the past five years running, and thanks to Plaxico Burress has finally snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. What put him over the top was his appearance on "Monday Night Football," when he attempted to clear up a major misconception surrounding his client Plaxico Burress's "self-inflicted" gunshot wound. "I shudder to think of the carnage had the bullet been allowed to roam freely in a crowded nightclub," said Rosenhaus, shuddering for the ESPN audience. "If it weren't for Plax's quick thinking and basic decency, that bullet is lodged not in his thigh, but in, god forbid, some innocent stripper's 38 inch chest. I can't begin to imagine the horror."
Rosenhaus' cringe-inducing performance only got worse: "It was so traumatic for me when I heard he was shot in the leg," continued Rosenhaus. "But I'm doing surprisingly well. I was lead to believe I'd feel a burning sensation. But frankly I didn't feel a thing."
Congratulations Drew Rosenhaus and Plaxico Burress…well done.
3. Alex Rodriguez. Where do we start? How about the “Divorce, then roll out Madonna” debacle? When it comes to always having the wrong instinct, A-Rod truly takes the cake. Although apparently his ex-wife Cynthia may have taken the cake (and eaten it too) given the increasing size of her ample posterior, which may have led to A-Rod’s wandering eye. She filed for divorce on July 7 of 2008, right in the middle of the baseball season – outstanding timing on her part. Anyhoo, Madonna (she denies it) and A-Rod (he flaunts it) are an item, with a combined income that beats the GNP of most European countries. Bottom line, a large regular season, an even larger contract, but a disappearing act in the playoffs (or no playoff appearance altogether) does not a true Bronx Bomber make. In a previous TSD story we told you he may be under the Material Girl’s spell and frequented a certain massage parlor. But in the end, it’s all about A-Rod – just ask him.
4. Manny Ramirez. Man-Ram, or Manny Being Manny. He’s the antithesis of A-Rod in one respect – He is simply the greatest post-season hitter of all-time. This virtual hitting machine seems to make contact at will. Another thing he does at will is rub almost everyone he comes in contact with the wrong way. Where A-Rod’s brand of narcissism is in the “just leave me alone” category, Manny is all too happy to share his feelings with anyone who’ll listen – his feelings on why he won’t pinch hit, why he won’t chase after fly balls, or why he takes a year to circle the bases on a homerun. Reggie Jackson, Dick Allen, or Muhammad Ali he ain’t. No dazzling, witty wordplay here. Quotable? Yes. Brilliant? Hardly. Still, there are plenty of Manny stories to regale your offspring with. Hell, we’ve certainly spun a few. To sum up, you certainly would want your Little Leaguer to grow up and hit like Manny Ramirez – but that’s about it. He’s long overdue for the Heistman.
5. Mark Cuban. We here at TSD actually like Cuban. He’s smart, fearless, backs pretty good movies, and for all his money still, fundamentally, a schumuck – just like you and me. But Cuban’s had, sorry to say, a Heistman-worthy year. First, he pulled the trigger on a trade everyone knew couldn’t work – essentially Jason Kidd for Devin Harris, whose careers are pulling in dramatically different directions. While we’ve always found the Mavs a hard time to warm up to, they were efficient, versatile and played winning ball. Now when they’re on TV we’d as soon jump to a PBS fund drive. On top of this, Cuban found himself accused of insider trading, which is really what begins to make the case for Cuban’s Heistman. First, as reported by TSD, Cuban solicited advice on “prison living” from none other than Martha Stewart: “…Don’t mistake the warden for David Stern. In the joint, there’s no such thing as a slap on the wrist, unless it’s another inmate’s idea of rough foreplay.” Highly embarrassing stuff. But there’s more: the allegations might have effectively put the kibosh on Cuban’s designs on the Cubs. If you’re anything like us – poor you – you can’t help but imagine the slapstick of Cuban and Blago going at it. How could they not? They’re very well matched in the narcissism/capacity for being a prick department. Cuban’s greed and stupidity deprived us of what could have been a beautiful comedic pairing, one not seen since Mussolini teamed with Hitler for several years of inspired hijinks during the 30s. And if that’s not bad enough – or Heistman worthy by itself – the whole affair is another painful reminder of the economic mess we’re in, thanks in large part to dickheads like Cuban…ok, maybe this is a reach, but so is using this forum to blast the Bernie Madoffs, Joe the Plumbers and Bill Clintons, people outside sports who are Heistman-worthy in their own right.
Michael Vick. Sure, we know – Its old news already since his trial was last year. However, he recently failed to work out consensual resolutions with each of his creditors. And Pluto still has nightmares.
David Beckham. Other than a couple of red cards, technically Beckham’s done nothing “wrong” except dupe the masses into believing he still had something left in the tank. MLS fans certainly aren’t getting the “bend it” days of old, leaving thousands of aspiring soccer kids scratching their heads considering a career in anything else.
The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily