PHILADELPHIA, PA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Prodigious homerun slugger Ryan Howard is striking out at a record pace – again. After setting the whiff mark last season with 199 K’s, the Phillies first baseman and former MVP is on a pace for well over two-hundred strikeouts this year.
Batting around the .170 mark most of the season, Howard tried to ease the pressure of his horrific month-and-a-half long slump by taking advantage of the off day Monday and unwinding on a blind date set up by teammates Pat Burrell and Tom Gordon. “It didn’t go so well for the big guy,” said Burrell, himself no stranger to swinging and missing. “We set him up with Darla Sebastian, an absolute stone cold fox from Society Hill (an upscale section of Philadelphia) who has fabulous breasts, a sublime posterior and winning personality. Plus, she apparently really knows her way around a pair of trousers, if you catch my drift.”
Tom Gordon, confirmed that the 6’4” Howard just couldn’t put anything together during the entire evening. “He called me three times while the date was in progress,” said the Phillies reliever. “He initially tried to impress her by telling her he played trombone in high school which she found cute and told him so by discarding her six inch stiletto heels and slowly rubbing her toes along his inner thigh. But then he slipped back into some self-loathing diatribe on working out of a pitcher’s count which really put her locally renowned libido on ice.”
Eyewitnesses claim Howard seemed despondent. “I saw the whole thing,” said Rob Mancini of nearby Willow Grove, Pennsylvania who was out with friends at the trendy Walnut Room. “Darla was sending out signals so clear, she could have talked down a friggin’ 757,” said the 32 year old Mancini. “But Ryan was really in his head about pitchers throwing in his wheelhouse, staying back in the box, hitting to all fields and being distracted by people wearing ‘Ryan Sucks’ t-shirts that he couldn’t even lean in to give her a kiss. The poor girl got so frustrated, she finally filled out a job application.”
NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —Roughly 90 seconds after naming Mike D’Antoni head coach of the hapless New York Knicks, owner James Dolan made “seven seconds or less” the organization’s new mantra, effective immediately – if not sooner. D’Antoni’s up-tempo Suns were instructed to shoot within the first seven seconds of the shot clock; while it’s a style that seems almost preposterously unsuited for the plodding, half-court oriented Knicks roster, Dolan believes a “seven seconds” approach will lead to sounder – and snappier -- managerial decisions.
SEATTLE, WA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970.
I went to Vegas this year on the World Poker Tour and ran into Jeff Gordon. Okay, I didn't run into him, he drove past me, really, really fast. Okay, I wasn't in Vegas for the World Poker Tour. You called my bluff! But I was playing poker. Okay, I was at home, but it was sort of like the Poker Tour, lots of celebrities. They were on the television. I was watching that award show.
But Vegas baby! It's crazy isn't it? I've never been, but I've heard. Beautiful, extravagant hotels. If those walls could talk, right? They must have been talking to Jeff Gordon, because they're too hard.
6’-7” Amazonian supermodels from Latvia…models with superhuman stamina, capable of withstanding 72 hour non-stop photo shoots…hair stylists and personal assistants pummeled in fits of rage…TSD’s investigative fashion writer, Lloyd Featherstone, files this head-turning account from New York in the aftermath of Fashion Week.
Andre Morrelenbaum, the award-winning journalist and Jockstraps Radio correspondent, delivers advice the old-fashioned way: with contempt and disdain. If you want to ask Andre, ask here.
Dear Mr. Andre,
If Roger Clemens was a tree, what tree would he be?
Buddy Hayward, Age 6, Plymouth Meeting, PA
Hi Buddy!
Thanks for your question. Before I answer it, could you tell me if your parents are home...
I don't like it when my animal brethren are targeted by people -- especially some goofball golfer in bad pants. Granted, I have been known to chase a duck or two out of our yard, but taking a golfball between the eyes ain't pretty. This guy gets what he deserves...at least a two stroke penalty.
ORLANDO, Fla. -- Pro golfer Tripp Isenhour apologized for killing a hawk that was making noise while he tried to film a TV show. Now the Humane Society wants the PGA Tour to take action.
"Because of the high profile nature of this case, the PGA needs to take steps to address its interest and to make it clear that they don't condone animal cruelty," said Dale Bartlett, the deputy manager for animal cruelty issues for the Humane Society of the United States. Bartlett said the organization would contact the PGA Tour on Friday to discuss the issue. Isenhour, who plays on the developmental Nationwide Tour, was charged Wednesday with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird, misdemeanors that carry a maximum penalty of 14 months in jail and $1,500 in fines. (From CBSSports.com wire reports.)
